Gratitude

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." —Anaïs Nin

Writing Residency Review: A Memoir in Verse, is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done—in fact, it comes in second only to living through the events that caused it to be written. Reentering the space of trauma can itself be traumatic. I was afraid, but I pushed through that fear by imagining it was someone else in my situation, and what I would say to them. As I continued writing, I was spurred on by remembering that my ability to speak—and write—is a gift not all of us have. I struggled with the validity of obsessing over the intricacies of language as we worked with Charlotte on learning her own name—which she, so thankfully, confidently has known for the last six months or so.

Today I want to thank a few of the people that helped me be, what I consider, the best version of myself. First is of course Tim, who, when I said that if I didn’t know if I could write the poems I needed to in the safe environment of our home, told me I should spend the money on a hotel. That this was important. (Fortunately my thriftiness took hold, and after a quick check of hotel prices, I found I was actually able to write again at my desk!) Of course, that’s just one anecdote to what has made it doable day after day. It’s a spectacular thing to be loved. And Tim made my book infinitely better. When I, last minute, thought about changing the title to a softer one, Tim smartly talked me out of it. And the photo on my cover—of the necklace that I wear all the time, including last summer when I was at the residency? Tim’s idea.

Another person that fundamentally helped this project were my early readers. I asked a range of people that I respect because I wanted it considered from many viewpoints. Mark Danowsky, editor of ONE ART: A Journal of Poetry, had a particularly big impact. The early version that I sent him had a lengthy last section full of more hopeful poems. Mark said something along the lines that it was okay, earned even, to not make everything okay for the reader—in much the same way that everything was not ultimately okay for me. I’m sure he said it more eloquently than that, but the point is that he gave me permission to not leave everyone in a happy place. I struggled with this as the world is too full of negativity in general—but as I tell the kids, emotions have a purpose. Sometimes we need to feel sad or frustrated or angry. Mark’s wisdom gave me freedom and a much stronger book.

Here are the individuals that I thank in Residency Review. Some were early readers. Some offered deep inspiration to me, such as my friend Jennifer Shahade—she is a champion in every way.

And then there is Morrow Dowdle—they changed my life forever.

Thanks for listening,